Waiter Rant

by Robert Giorgione

Having read two of the most funny and influential books written by people within the international hospitality industry, I have been really inspired for quite some time to write a book of my own. In fact, that's one of the things I've been up to at the moment and my 'epicurean odyssey' is still a work in progress. Of course, it will be very personal, yet at least with my many years of experience as a top-flight sommelier I can certainly empathise and understand various situations highlighted in both books.

My references are towards "Kitchen Confidential" by New York chef Anthony Bourdain  (published by Bloomsbury), which has become an international best-seller and "Waiter Rant" by an award-winning American blogger (originally anonymously since 2004) Steve Dublanica. Bourdain has described the latter as being "the front-of-house version of his book (Kitchen Confidential)...You will never look at your waiter the same way again.". Incidentally, we began "The Noughties" with Bourdain's quite stark, blunt and graphic glimpse behind-the-scenes world of the chef and finished the decade with the latter, which was published in 2008. Owing to its different point of view (front of house) we were engaged with the author's tongue in cheek rants, vignettes and experiences throughout his career, via elaborated blog posts, which are formed very well into a funny, readable book. I enjoyed both, yet they also managed to completely encapsulate the different angles of the restaurant business through this personal genre.

In summary, it is very well-written, observant, witty and really captures the essence of being a waiter and what that really means. I'm sure everyone involved within the front-of-house realms of the restaurant and hotel business can relate to many of these circumstances.

For instance, the first chapter opens with: "I'm a waiter. I bring food to tables in exchange for tips. At first glance it seems like a simple job. Just be neat, polite, display some salesmanship, and don't forget to smile. Easy, right? What world are you living in?"

Here now are some of my favourite quotes from the book. I'm sure like me you'll smile with delight of the fond memories you have had too. And perhaps you will have had some similar experiences.

"Ah, restaurant kitchens - they're all about tequila, buggery, and the lash."

"If a waiter wants respect from the back of house, he or she has to show respect in return. And the best way to that is to understand that the kitchen staff and waiters are like the Palestinians and Israelis - separate and distinct nationalities uncomfortably sharing the same volatile piece of real estate."

"That miserable bathroom's so small it would give Harry Houdini panic attacks."

"Can you help me, please?" I plead. "I'm in the weeds." Being "in the weeds" (otherwise known as being "in the shit") is waiter lingo for what happens when the demands put on a server exceed his or her ability to fulfill them. This can happen when a waiter's new, incompetent, or placed in an impossible situation. For me it's all three."

"A restaurant gets the customers it deserves."

"When people are stuffing their faces, they often let their guard down. Eating is a primal activity that triggers an array of emotional responses. Think of all the arguments that erupt around family dinner tables. Food and the human condition are inextricably linked. Because of this, waiters often get to see the unpleasant sides of people. Yet amid all the petulance, anger, and entitlement, the occasional crumb of human grace falls from the table."

"...inter-restaurant romances are always problematic."

"An occupational hazard of waiting tables is that we develop foie gras tastes but operate on liverwurst budgets."

"Customers seldom make the connection between bad behaviours and not getting the service to which they think they're entitled."

"The gap between management and staff can make the Gaza Strip look like a resort town. And Fluvio? He can be the culinary version of Yasser Arafat."

"...his office makes a pigsty look like the interior of the Vatican."

"Most customers care about only one thing - getting what they want when they want it. They watch celebrity chefs on the Food Network and think that restaurants are magical places designed to jerk off their taste buds."

"When I go out to eat, I just want to forget my problems, too. But then again I don't act like a complete shit."

"Listen up guys - sometimes girls will ask the waiter how much you tipped. They use it as a litmus test. ...besides, bad tippers suck in bed."

"Waiting tables is as addictive as crack cocaine."

"My son's an actor in New York. Really? What restaurant?"

"The restaurant business can be like the French Foreign Legion."

"Just because they read chef biographies and watch Bobby Flay, they think they know everything there is to know about restaurants and cooking. Trust me, they don't....Do you watch Grey's Anatomy and think you can perform surgery?"

"The centre of hell is a restaurant on Mother's Day....it's universally despised by waiters."

"On Mother's Day, waiters become psychological punch bags."

"To waiters, people with nine-to-five jobs are alien creatures."

On reading these delightful quotes, I'm sure a lot of you will be able to empathise with similar situations. I look forward to your comments.