The 10 on-trade emojis we'd most like to see

Chris Losh

Chris Losh

04 September 2018

A week ago we ran a story on Kendall-Jackson's noble attempts to address arguably the biggest issue of our time: the inexplicable lack of a white wine emoji.

After all, if there's a lobster, racoon and not one, but two types of camel, then surely it's not too much to ask.

But, frankly, why stop there? On a quiet afternoon, we raided our Drinks Cupboard of Shame, poured a few sharpeners and had a think about some other emojis that we thought might be useful for the on-trade.

 

DRUNK CHEF
We're sorry about the velouté, really we are, and honestly, the whole team loves you. But put the knife down.

 

BRAND AMBASSADOR
Sure, they work more normal hours than you do, and get paid to jet all over the world. But it's a small price to pay for handing over your soul.

 

 

CUSTOMER ON EXPENSES
They're a bit too suave, a bit too loud, a bit too annoying. But oh my God is that a black Amex? Time for Operation Rinse...

 

 

HOSPO ZOMBIE
Just pulled two weeks of back to backs. Can't walk. Can't speak. Just need braaaaiiins.

 

TIKI
Fruit. Fire. Lurid shirts. Is that a steel band in our till or are we just pleased to see you?

 

NATURAL WINE
Of course it's brown and fizzy, sir. It's authentic. I'd recommend Instagramming it rather than drinking it.

 

FORTIFIED WINE
We did sell a glass of port back around the millennium I think. Or was it sherry?

 

NOVELTY GIN
It's sweet, it's pink, it's fruity. It's your classic traditional London Sweet Fruity Gin style.

 

 

MOLECULAR MIXOLOGY
I wanted to be a nuclear physicist you know, but I failed my science GCSE.

 

 

HOMEMADE INGREDIENTS
Comply to EU hygiene standards, John? Course it bleedin' does. What do I look like? A muppet?

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